Poem: Something Missing

Because…was feeling all the feels the other night.

Something Missing

A boy kicks a hacky sack
outside alphabet soup, toy shop
on that liberal side of town

You can be surrounded by people
And feel so lonely
Smell of incense, wet dirt
Live music, sounds nice
the summer night, to tell a story
a story filled with heartbreak, regrets and new memories

Security is an old man with an empty coffee cup
Families are diverse and couples walk unashamed with tattoos and purple hair
The singer croons and someone in the crown whistles
And I think that this night feels perfect,  almost

The seat next to me is empty
And just as a write this – someone whistles
But it’s not you, babe. It’s not you.

Slow Sunday, Bad Dreams and Rising Above it

Meh. It’s a crappy day outside here in upstate, New York. The sky is gray, kind of damp and windy and fall colors seem to be bleeding away into this disgusting looking reddish/brown and I am having a terrible time waking up this Sunday afternoon.

I thought about doing some cleaning and then shopping…but meh, I think I’ll just sit here in front of my light box and write. Woe is to me.

For someone who gets seasonal depression every single year, you’d think I would learn by now, right? Was rather weeping/down these past couple of days…didn’t realize it until I watched a sad video on youtube a few days ago, (I mean, not very sad,) and starting crying because of it.

Some great colors still - I snapped at my parent's house this weekend.

Snapped this at my parent’s house this weekend. Perhaps all the trees aren’t past their prime, yet.

Then, off to the light box – and I had a great Friday and Saturday with one of my friends: we had a girl’s night, ate pizza and watched The Age of Adeline, which I loved, and then had lunch with my sister and niece on Saturday.

Everyone needs a little soul food; and then a lovely Saturday night spent with Mike and I’m happy. Like, very happy. Back to normal. Summer Amanda. Woo.

Then…this morning’s dream.

My Grandma passed away this Spring, and its becoming clear to me now that the holidays are rapidly approaching and grandma is not going to be there this year to celebrate it with us. I know I knew this at the time it happened, but it’s not really sinking in until now.

I had a dream it was Thanksgiving at grandma’s house. I saw all this wonderful food set out in the kitchen and then for some reason, I decided to go take a nap. I fell asleep and no one woke me up to tell me that dinner was ready, and I came out to the kitchen and all the food was gone. There were some sickeningly sweet pudding and jello desserts left, but no cheese and crackers. No turkey, no mashed potatoes. Grandma was there in the kitchen with everyone, and they all exchanged looks with everyone as I slammed things down and brushed things aside, angry and confused that this had happened to me.

And then grandma steps up and smiles to me, and offers me something (I think it’s an apple,) and jokes and says something funny and tries to reassure me that everything’s okay, but it’s not. I rudely brush past her and run through her house to her guest bedroom, which is just off of the living room in the back of the house.

Suddenly, I’m sobbing into the bed because I know its Thanksgiving and grandma is not there anymore. She’s never going to be, and even if the food is all gone, the pain of her absence is more infuriating, hurts worse, more than the pain an empty stomach could ever be.

I woke up with tears dried on my face, and itchy eyes. And I have tears in my eyes now. What is the matter with me?

Thank you subconscious…For allowing me to remember. As if I could forget?

Grief makes you feel so lonely. Depression, too. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and have a do over. Maybe this time I would dream about meeting J.K. Rowling like I did last Saturday?

Time to get motivated. Time to remember that I’m not alone in this…that many, MANY others suffer from depression and need help, too. I think the best thing to do right now is make sure that I have an outlet…sometimes there is no lonelier a place than your own head space. (Hah! I made a rhyme!)

Okay, enough of that. I had this song stuck in my head today. (I recently discovered Pentatonix On My Way home documentary on Netflix, too!)

Their sound always seems to cheer me up. MUSIC cheers me up. Writing is always a great comfort to me as well.

What do you guys do to brighten up the day?

Happy Writing!

Saturday Musings: Loving Music and Living Life

Today is a lazy day. Cleaning up the apartment a little bit, and I always have some kind of musical on while I’m doing this. Sometimes I just listen to music, but sometimes I want to take a break in between dishes and that’s what the movie is for. 😛 Yes, I know. I’m such a cheat, haha.

Today I watched/listened to Frozen and Moulin Rouge.

I guess the point of this post is I didn’t realize how much I use music on a day-to-day basis. I’m not a singer or performer, I’m a writer. I can sing, but not Idina Menzel singing…I did my time in high school choir.

But the thing I love about music is how freeing it is. I use it as a way to keep me grounded. It is my anxiety medicine when things are feeling too claustrophobic, it is my story inspiration, it is my background noise when the silence feels threatening.

When I am driving, the radio is always on; at work, when I listen to music on my mp3 player, I type faster.

Music makes my world go round.

It is so comforting to hear voices lifted up in song, to hear emotion and love put into words. And there are songs about everything. Love, angst, anger, hate, suffering…the list goes on and on.

Mike, (the other half) doesn’t listen to music like I do. Sure, he’ll watch a movie with a great soundtrack, and most of his video games have music of their own. But having the radio or pandora on all the time isn’t a requirement in his life, and I wonder why this is?

Why does music affect us so? Why do some people feel the need to lose themselves in the rhythm and crooning of a great pop song? And others don’t?

I guess the one reason I can think of is because even music has great writing, too. And a lot of good songs tell a story.

Right now, I’ve been currently obsessed with the group Pentatonix. They are an a capella group, who are very popular on youtube for their covers and rose to fame when they won the show the Sing Off. Anyway, group of talented individuals these ones, whose a capella arrangements bring me back to my choir days.

What do you guys think? Do you love music like I do? Any of your characters have their own theme song?

Happy Saturday everyone!

Flash Fiction: Smooth, Dark, World

Eh, just looking for some inspiration. Something different to write. Here goes…nothin’. Been having a hard time prioritizing my writing time again. This is something I definitely need to get into the swing of again. Found this writing prompt online via google. It was supposed to be for a poem, but suddenly I found myself in a fiction mood. 🙂


Writing Prompt: Write using all of the following words: smooth, soothe, work, dark…

It was a smooth, dark, night. A world full of purple and black. A night that touched the skin, and felt like velvet, a world that kissed and made promises.

He stood outside of the nightclub and held my hand. Across the street, the wind blew restlessly through the green trees in the small park. His eyes were wide and purple as they looked down at mine. I knew he had contacts in. I knew the diamond stud in his ear wasn’t real.

“Babe,” he said, as he held my hand. “Babe, I just need to focus on my career, on my work right now.”

I felt my stomach plummet. Suddenly, the street lights that tipped our shadows across the street, felt too-bright and intrusive. I stared up at him. Was his hair pink? Maybe blue? I batted at something that twinkled by his head.

I felt his grip tighten, or was he pulling me closer? “You’re drunk off your ass,” he said. “What else did you take? Acid?”

One didn’t need to take acid to discover how musical his voice was not. He enunciated something to me. I watched his soft mouth open wide and then purse together. Like a fish. Huh, fish lips. Fish gills. Fish and chips!

“Fish and chips?” He slapped my face. “Wake up!”

I stumbled back from him, moment gone. “I don’t need to wake up,” I blubbered as I touched at the blood coming down my nose. It was the drugs that made me weepy. It was the world that was taken away. It was the magic that had filled my head, and then was dumped out onto the street, useless, had lost its sparkle.

His skin was too pale anyway. His hair too black and greasy. He needed to focus on his music, right. Focus on a new pair of tits, and an ass that fit his hand better. Boy, I sure knew how to pick them.

I stumbled across the street.

“Adriene!” He called to my back. I ignored his grave voice. The wind that blew music through the trees was calling me. The smell of something new and fresh and not forgotten called me, soothed me.

The moon came alive on my face, then. The light that managed to trickle down into the city, lit all of the trees and the benches and the large grey stones next to the park’s entrance in a gray-blue light.

It was the fairies calling me. The fairies and soft green grass and a ground that fit just right. I imagined myself curling into the long grass, the tickle of wild flowers next to my face, and then I was doing just that. I was in the grass and in the dirt and I would lay there forever and never wake up.

Never wake up.

Between the raindrops

I sometimes forgot how much I love to lose myself in the setting of a book or a movie, the way it feels to lose yourself in a different world, a character’s emotions – to be swept away and return only when you need to…

when its time to face the music.

But this also reminds me of dreams, which brings me to the point of this post:  Last week I had a dream…

No, really I did.

I had a dream that…well, I don’t remember much, but in the dream was music. There was a girl running from something, she was full of emotion; longing, fear, desire…she was running to something and she couldn’t get there fast enough and she was worried that she was going to be too late.

Too late for what? I have no idea. I woke up with a song in my head that matched the beating of her heart and I could not figure out where I had heard the song or even what it was. I had a tune in my head, and didn’t even know if it was a real song.

Well, I heard that song on the radio today, jotted down some lyrics and through the power of google, the song has a name.

It is Between the Raindrops by Lifehouse feat. Natasha Bedingfield.

It always amazes me how a good song can sweep you up just as much as a novel, or a great movie. It is where I find some of my inspiration…and why I don’t always like to watch the music videos that go a long with songs. I like to create my own story.

There just might be something here, too. I can still see the girl running, the mud flying up on her t-shirt as her legs tear across the ground, as cold, water dribbles down her bare legs and her cheeks and eyelashes, mixing with muddy rain and tears.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey – An unexpected Pleasure!

Went and saw the The Hobbit last night and thought I’d post a quick review! There are no spoilers here, except about how fantastic I think this film is, so feel free to read on and get a peek at the music in this gorgeous movie!

When I heard that Peter Jackson was going to make The Hobbit in a 3-part film, I had my doubts. It wasn’t until I re-read the book, until I realized there is so much that happens behind the scenes that J. R. R. Tolkien never expands upon. How creative of Peter Jackson and company to bring a world to life that no one ever has ever seen before!

I was most excited when I read that some of the same people from the Lord of the Rings were going to be involved with the project: Howard Shore, the composer; screenwriter and co-producer, Philippa Boyens, and screenwriter and producer, Fran Walsh, who both had a hand in some great writing in the Fellowship of the Ring. I knew that as long as these fantastic people, (including Peter Jackson, of course!) were involved with the project, they couldn’t go wrong and boy, did they deliver!

The casting was excellent, the characterization of all 13 dwarfs was superb and so creative, they all have their own look and personality, it was done quite fantastically; the scenery was larger than life and the music; oh, the music!

There’s really nothing else I can say except to let you listen. I am such a sap sometimes, and there were a few moments in this film where my eyes teared up just because the music was so beautiful and awe-inspiring. I absolutely loved it!

What do you guys think?

Safe and Sound and Reading

Spending one of my days off as a couch potato since I don’t feel that brilliant, but FINALLY catching up on a bit of my wordpress reading today. I’ve missed a lot of great posts from some really great people and for that I am furiously reading and liking as many things as I can. 🙂

There are a lot of talented people out there!

On that note, whenever someone has a setting on their blog that has a person sign in before they can comment or like a post, it seems that either my browser, or my internet connection is not letting me like their posts. I sign in, and nothing happens! At first I thought it was Internet Explorer, but I have been using Firefox for a few months now, hmm…any thoughts?

So, there are many, many posts out there that I do like, it just won’t let me! Hmph. Here’s a song to make up for it! I’ve had this song in my head for a few days now. It inspires me to tell a story that is so beautiful and haunting at the same time…

Dawn’s Rising – Angel, My Angel

Sometimes you’ll stare at your word processor all day and only a few worthy sentences will come out. Sometimes it’s those sentences that surprise you the most…

In Dawn’s Rising, one of my characters, “Chase” plays guitar. I have a scene where my main protagonist “Angel” is sleeping on the couch and Chase is perched on the end of the couch playing a song on his guitar to her. They don’t know each other very well at this point, but it doesn’t mean the resulting song doesn’t have meaning:

            Angel like a gem

            that glitters when she speaks

            angel, my angel

            stronger than she thinks

            don’t you know you’re angled?

            multifaceted blue

            angel, my angel

            I love you…

I have never written songs before and wish I had the talent to find the music that belongs to these words I wrote last night, but I hear them in my head, and that’s good enough for me.

It’s a slow song, like a lullaby that has a few verses to it and this is just the first one, or the only one that’s he’s written so far. He has a deep voice, but not too deep, with bit of husk to it. The result is a voice that is sexy, rough and smooth at the same time…like the sound of someone’s voice when they first wake up in the morning.

This is a perfect description for Chase, who’s normally put together, but still a bit rough around the edges.  He would not have the perfect tenor’s voice. His voice would be more like the earth: rich, and dark and deep; full of mystery and longing. Full of a thunderstorm, the lightning that crackles just beneath the surface.

I love the poetry behind it, though. Even songs, no, especially songs should taste good on the tongue, too.

10 Reasons why you should watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog Tonight

Well, as emphasized in a recent blog post, you all know my love for Joss Whedon. I believe he is an amazing writer, a talented director, and just a great example of a person who loves great entertainment and wants to share that love with others.

During the writer’s strike in 2008, Joss Whedon, with the help of his brothers, Zach Whedon and Jed Whedon as well as actress and writer, Maurissa Tancharoen, created a musical web series: Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog.

The short film is about Dr. Horrible, or “Billy” (Niel Patrick Harris) who longs for the love of a young woman named Penny (Felicia Day). In the midst of an evil plot to do wrong in order to be considered for the Evil League of Evil, he final meets her, Penny, the love of his life. But like all of his plots to do wrong, he is immediately pushed aside by Captain Hammer (Nathan Fillion), his arch nemesis.

So, WHY should you be tuning in to see Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog on the CW at 9pm tonight?

  • Joss Whedon! Joss Whedon! Joss Whedon! – If you like great writing, you’ll pretty much love anything he’s involved in. ‘Nuff said.
  • Great cast – Nathan Fillion (Castle), Niel Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother),  and Felicia Day (The Guild).
  • Nathan Fillion – Just ’cause I love him so much!
  • Great music – You’ll be surprised how talented the Whedon family is as emphasized by the creation of this film.
  • Catchy songs – You’ll want to sing along with it. Durrh!
  • Great Story – It’s cleverly written, funny and oh-so-very entertaining.
  • It’s award winning – It’s won 7 awards already!
  • Great Characters – Never thought you’d feel sympathetic towards the bad guy? Ohh, think again!
  • Niel Patrick Harris – Great singer, great actor, great looking, great everything!
  • It’s Intelligent – Like everything Whedon is involved in, it’ll make you think and surprise you!

Okay, now I’ve given you my reasons time to find your own! Be sure to tune in tonight at 9pm on the CW!

Here’s a look at the first act right here, the rest is, of course, available on youtube:

And if you’ve already watched it, leave a comment and let me know what you think! I’d love to hear from you! 🙂