Poem Rerun: “Togetherness” And Writing Updates

So…this past month has been a bit of a rough patch for me, writing-wise. Work has kept me busy and I think that’s part of it.

Anywho, I saw this poem in my Facebook feed from about 3 years ago.  It’s those quiet mornings that mean the most to me sometimes. The togetherness, the comfort of arms holding you close, feeling loved. It keeps me in once piece…

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Togetherness

Each warm smile

was magic

we live wild

with blazing mornings

and times with you

that breathe and steam

an eternity young and never old

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Poem: Guilt

enter a book store

isn’t this just a sanctuary

of written thoughts

and quiet nooks

with no judgement

or weird looks

 

fingers trail over paperbacks

science-fiction you’ve never read

till you find a treasure

convince yourself

you need it desperately

it’s all in your head

 

you’re going to read it

as soon as you get home

you’ll cherish it forever

 

but  on the floor

in a plastic bag

it sits alone

 

 

Poem: My Evil Twin, Doubt

Meet my evil twin
I call her, Doubt
she second guesses
Things I’ve figured out

She makes me weak
When I take a stand
Kicks me down
And takes command

Invites her friends:
Anxiety and Depression
Inside I’m roiling:
I’ve made a bad impression

Anxiety whispers to Doubt and
Depression behind my back
They’re making fun of me!
There’s nothing that I lack

I am Beautiful and Strong
Creative and Inspired
My evil twin, Doubt
Is not even desired

She’s shallow and she’s needy
her friends are much worse
Dripping black negativity
Tucking extra in her purse

She’ll swagger up the street
People spring out of the way
Heels clicking, eyes like daggers
With nothing great to say

All The Happy Little Trees

I am appreciating the outdoors today and the sunshine, even though it’s pretty cold outside! It’s as if Bob Ross were here painting all his happy little trees…

Mike took this picture on our walk today. This up and down weather is taking its toll on the small streams and canals in the area. There’s been some flooding from blockages from ice floes.

I somehow caught pink-eye over the weekend; and the handle to my driver’s side door snapped off when I tried to open my frozen car door last night, but I am choosing to remain positive. Was actually a great triumph for me to laugh about it, instead of let my anxiety take over.

Plus, I’m inside and warm, and that always helps, too. Hope everyone has a great Sunday and keep safe out there!

Happy Writing all!

Poem: Isn’t Enough

Feeling the super feels tonight, guys.

 

When something feels like nothing

doubts, hopeless feelings

that maybe you aren’t good enough

exhaustion, like maybe

you’re just not right for this

 

It’s hard to tell anyone, though

they only see what’s on the outside

it’s hard to believe a friendly face

could be suffering

 

She wears a brown, fuzzy sweater

her eyes are blue and full of life

but maybe underneath

you see her fingernails are really paint-chipped

the lips wobble

smudge on her dark pants

eyeliner is beginning to run

 

her mind runs a marathon everyday

her heart is squeezed in two

maybe breathing isn’t as second nature

as it should be

 

you might feel like you know her

you might feel like

nothing can be as complicated

as what you see on the outside

but you don’t hear

what her whole self is saying

behind the smile

Poem: Loser

Because…sometimes. :/

Had bit of a rough week this past week – I know…what else is new, eh? But, sometimes…you just feel it, you know? Everyone is telling you to keep your head up but inside you feel so…unworthy. The facts are there, the encouragement is there, but your mind is telling you: what’s the point? what’s the point? It’s so hard to find the right direction sometimes, when your heart is telling you: “you are lost.”

Loser

five letters

of worthlessness

Lonely

Outcast

Socially Inept

Every misstep

Relapse

not a state of being

it is felt

 

Poem: Underneath

Underneath the job title

a bunch of broken people

he’s socially awkward

her husband died

she lost a baby that no one knows about

her marriage is in shambles

he’s got a story to tell

anger and heartbreak, a tiny jail cell

pasts that stay hidden

desires, and oily thoughts

we hide our devastation

a work-place facade

to avoid humiliation

as we trudge a long

head bowed, shattered and bought

It’s Okay to Admit You Need Help

Things have been a little quiet here on the blogging front. Not intentionally. This week I’ve been sick with a lovely head cold and I have some new things going on in my life and thought I would take some time to chat about it.

It’s not easy…admitting that you need help. Help comes in many different forms. Emotional…educational…physical.

You might have heard me mention it a time or two: depression and anxiety.

When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective disorder, which is basically depression that one gets based on the lack of sunlight in the winter months. It’s no fun when a chemical in your brain stops working properly and tells you not to be happy anymore.

I’ve…managed with that the last several years. But lately, it seems like the older I get the worse my anxiety is. I have always been a classified “worry-wort,” but there comes a time, where it’s not just worry. Where anxiety becomes something more than just double checking that your doors are locked after you locked them. Twice. And after you already check again for the third time.

The older I get, it seems like the more I don’t function properly. I’ve been debating back and forth why I don’t see myself as “normal” anymore. Why, I think that’s something I ought to be, and why normal isn’t really the same for anyone. What’s normal? And why is it something anyone wants to be, anyway?

But anyway, I digress. The point…I’ve started going to therapy.

Some people might think, so? I’ve gone to therapy, what’s the big deal? But this is a big deal for me. I’m not used to telling my life problems to people, and it’s not always easy admitting that you need help.

There’s no shame in admitting that you need help, and there’s no shame in getting that help. Depression and anxiety are not easy things, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

We all react to our life struggles in different ways, and we all have to find our own ways to encounter such challenges. I am not afraid to talk about my depression and anxiety, but I was afraid to get help. And I’m still afraid in some ways…do people look at me differently? Do I look different?

Does anyone judge me? But…I have to press on.

When I started this blog, I wanted to make sure it was a place that I could always come to, to make sure I was still writing. Now, I also want it to be a place where I can talk freely about my problems with depression and anxiety.

It’s something that needs to be talked about, and seeing as writers and creative sorts always seem to be the ones who struggle with depression and anxiety…we should all do a lot of talking about it.

Anyway, I hope you guys are having a great night, and I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Happy writing!

How Depression Really Feels

Once again, trying to channel those super-down feelings of depression. Sometimes it helps to just get it all out there. Very much gloom and doom, though, I’m sorry. But sometimes it helps to get it out and maybe it’ll help others to understand. Especially, when they haven’t gone through these emotions themselves.

window-view-1081788_1920Today is a bad day for me. I try really hard, but somehow, I am always less than what I should be. Feelings of worthlessness, tiredness, that whole Is-it-worth-it-to-get-out-of-bed type of attitude.

I wish it was easier to go on, I wish it was easier to snap out of it than it is…but it’s not. In truth, I feel like I’ve done it to myself…not doing things that I should, not being where I should, not being enough again.

If only others knew how it feels. How it feels to be completely worthless.

Let me crawl back into bed with no judgement. Wrap your arms around me to keep me from going to pieces. But don’t look at me and don’t judge me. I can’t bear the weight of your expectations.

Sometimes I need that little push, but sometimes it frightens or scares me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being thrust out into the cold with nothing to hold onto, and there is an icy floor beneath my feet.

Let me slip and slide if you want to, but how am I going to pull myself up?

How??

My light therapy doesn’t feel bright enough. Usually it blinds and stuns at first, but today, it’s as if I just turned on a regular lamp. There is not enough light in the world to snuff out this darkness.

And I feel as if I have buried my nose in the heart of it and it is weighing me down. Oh, so very much.

Let the rain come, and let the worms burrow in my ears and let everything bad that’s supposed to happen rest upon my shoulders. I’m sure there is a weight in the world, worthy of this. But why all this despair, when I’ve done nothing?

I’ve done nothing to deserve this. And I shouldn’t think I have.

The brain is a fickle friend sometimes. One minute, you’re convinced you are doing everything to live a healthy life, the next thing…she’s telling you: you are worthless scum.

Go away brain, and let my heart speak for once.