Poem: Loser

Because…sometimes. :/

Had bit of a rough week this past week – I know…what else is new, eh? But, sometimes…you just feel it, you know? Everyone is telling you to keep your head up but inside you feel so…unworthy. The facts are there, the encouragement is there, but your mind is telling you: what’s the point? what’s the point? It’s so hard to find the right direction sometimes, when your heart is telling you: “you are lost.”

Loser

five letters

of worthlessness

Lonely

Outcast

Socially Inept

Every misstep

Relapse

not a state of being

it is felt

 

Poem: Underneath

Underneath the job title

a bunch of broken people

he’s socially awkward

her husband died

she lost a baby that no one knows about

her marriage is in shambles

he’s got a story to tell

anger and heartbreak, a tiny jail cell

pasts that stay hidden

desires, and oily thoughts

we hide our devastation

a work-place facade

to avoid humiliation

as we trudge a long

head bowed, shattered and bought

It’s Okay to Admit You Need Help

Things have been a little quiet here on the blogging front. Not intentionally. This week I’ve been sick with a lovely head cold and I have some new things going on in my life and thought I would take some time to chat about it.

It’s not easy…admitting that you need help. Help comes in many different forms. Emotional…educational…physical.

You might have heard me mention it a time or two: depression and anxiety.

When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective disorder, which is basically depression that one gets based on the lack of sunlight in the winter months. It’s no fun when a chemical in your brain stops working properly and tells you not to be happy anymore.

I’ve…managed with that the last several years. But lately, it seems like the older I get the worse my anxiety is. I have always been a classified “worry-wort,” but there comes a time, where it’s not just worry. Where anxiety becomes something more than just double checking that your doors are locked after you locked them. Twice. And after you already check again for the third time.

The older I get, it seems like the more I don’t function properly. I’ve been debating back and forth why I don’t see myself as “normal” anymore. Why, I think that’s something I ought to be, and why normal isn’t really the same for anyone. What’s normal? And why is it something anyone wants to be, anyway?

But anyway, I digress. The point…I’ve started going to therapy.

Some people might think, so? I’ve gone to therapy, what’s the big deal? But this is a big deal for me. I’m not used to telling my life problems to people, and it’s not always easy admitting that you need help.

There’s no shame in admitting that you need help, and there’s no shame in getting that help. Depression and anxiety are not easy things, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

We all react to our life struggles in different ways, and we all have to find our own ways to encounter such challenges. I am not afraid to talk about my depression and anxiety, but I was afraid to get help. And I’m still afraid in some ways…do people look at me differently? Do I look different?

Does anyone judge me? But…I have to press on.

When I started this blog, I wanted to make sure it was a place that I could always come to, to make sure I was still writing. Now, I also want it to be a place where I can talk freely about my problems with depression and anxiety.

It’s something that needs to be talked about, and seeing as writers and creative sorts always seem to be the ones who struggle with depression and anxiety…we should all do a lot of talking about it.

Anyway, I hope you guys are having a great night, and I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Happy writing!

How Depression Really Feels

Once again, trying to channel those super-down feelings of depression. Sometimes it helps to just get it all out there. Very much gloom and doom, though, I’m sorry. But sometimes it helps to get it out and maybe it’ll help others to understand. Especially, when they haven’t gone through these emotions themselves.

window-view-1081788_1920Today is a bad day for me. I try really hard, but somehow, I am always less than what I should be. Feelings of worthlessness, tiredness, that whole Is-it-worth-it-to-get-out-of-bed type of attitude.

I wish it was easier to go on, I wish it was easier to snap out of it than it is…but it’s not. In truth, I feel like I’ve done it to myself…not doing things that I should, not being where I should, not being enough again.

If only others knew how it feels. How it feels to be completely worthless.

Let me crawl back into bed with no judgement. Wrap your arms around me to keep me from going to pieces. But don’t look at me and don’t judge me. I can’t bear the weight of your expectations.

Sometimes I need that little push, but sometimes it frightens or scares me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being thrust out into the cold with nothing to hold onto, and there is an icy floor beneath my feet.

Let me slip and slide if you want to, but how am I going to pull myself up?

How??

My light therapy doesn’t feel bright enough. Usually it blinds and stuns at first, but today, it’s as if I just turned on a regular lamp. There is not enough light in the world to snuff out this darkness.

And I feel as if I have buried my nose in the heart of it and it is weighing me down. Oh, so very much.

Let the rain come, and let the worms burrow in my ears and let everything bad that’s supposed to happen rest upon my shoulders. I’m sure there is a weight in the world, worthy of this. But why all this despair, when I’ve done nothing?

I’ve done nothing to deserve this. And I shouldn’t think I have.

The brain is a fickle friend sometimes. One minute, you’re convinced you are doing everything to live a healthy life, the next thing…she’s telling you: you are worthless scum.

Go away brain, and let my heart speak for once.

Helping Others When You Can’t Help Yourself

girl-1064659_1920There’s something that’s been on my mind lately.

As you guys know, Mike and I have moved to a new area, and that means…new job for me. AGAIN.

My last job was great for me: sit in a room and type and don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. Boring, yes, but not taxing or stressful because I wasn’t forced to be interactive on days where I really didn’t want to.

People might shake their head and be like: what are you talking about? What’s so hard about talking to people?

But when you have social anxiety, there is everything wrong with talking to people. It is very difficult to help people when you can’t help yourself.

I don’t know how much I’ve stressed over and over to people who are close to me, and to others and I hope they will eventually get it.

Working in Customer Service where your job is to help people is sooo difficult when you can’t help yourself.

Inside, you feel like you can’t breathe, you are drowning. Your mind is telling you to do something, but you are also fighting with yourself. I can’t, I’ll do it wrong, I’m hopeless, I’m worthless, look at them staring…they know…they know…

On top of the anxiety, there’s the depression that comes a long with it. You feel like a loser. A simple job and you can’t do it. Everyone else is fine, no one is having troubles. There must be something wrong with me. I’m a nobody, I have no purpose, I feel so worthless…so worthless.

These are only a few of the thoughts that were running through my mind today when I was at my new job where I have to assist customers and I have to put on a smile, and I have to interact with people and pretend that I am okay when I’m not.

I even mentioned to my co-worker: “I’m a little anxious today, it makes me feel like extra slow and stuff.”

Didn’t really get much of a response. But where’s the time really to go into the full length explanation, and who knows really what to say to all that anyway?

I think I’ll be looking into seeing a specialist soon as therapists know the right responses to these feelings…or at least you hope they do, but something else has been bothering me:

Why aren’t more people aware of how debilitating anxiety and depression are in the work place?

I know it has effected me and my career…or lack thereof one.

Why aren’t we talking about it? Why aren’t more people aware how difficult it is to put on a brave face, when inside you feel like you are drowning?

WHY DON’T WE TALK MORE ABOUT THIS?

Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. Those of us that struggle with this are heroes when you have to bear this burden in silence, and we really shouldn’t have to be.

It is a real thing, and more people should be understanding out there…work place included.

Ah, I feel better now. Anyway, what are you guys doing tonight? Anything thoughts on this?