Poem: Working Depressed

Drove to work in the rain
Trying to ignore the pain
Of work without sleep
Of sleep without rest
Of not feeling enough
Less than your best

The mood of the day
Is gloomy with rain
Cloudy with thoughts
Temporarily insane
Such is the life
Of the working depressed
Feeling inept
More than the rest

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All The Happy Little Trees

I am appreciating the outdoors today and the sunshine, even though it’s pretty cold outside! It’s as if Bob Ross were here painting all his happy little trees…

Mike took this picture on our walk today. This up and down weather is taking its toll on the small streams and canals in the area. There’s been some flooding from blockages from ice floes.

I somehow caught pink-eye over the weekend; and the handle to my driver’s side door snapped off when I tried to open my frozen car door last night, but I am choosing to remain positive. Was actually a great triumph for me to laugh about it, instead of let my anxiety take over.

Plus, I’m inside and warm, and that always helps, too. Hope everyone has a great Sunday and keep safe out there!

Happy Writing all!

Poem Rerun: SAD, and A Little Pep-talk

This one is a re-run, a poem I wrote last year in December, but definitely fits tonight! It’s sooo cold here. 7 degrees when I woke up this morning, thank you, and I could live without it. In fact, I think I would live better without it. The cold wears me down, dries out my skin and makes me eat more. (Although, the holidays haven’t helped the waistline, either.)

For those of you who are struggling with SAD like me, hang in there. The longer days are coming. Get plenty of sleep, drink TONS of water, and quit eating crap that’s not good for you. (Really this is just a reminder to myself.) And remember to take care of yourself, especially on days when you’re really down. You’re not going to get anything done if you’re in a funk. And it’s much harder to get out of one, once you’re already there. Don’t do it to yourself. Just don’t. Oh yeah, the poem. (Psst. Write more! Especially when you’re feeling down. It does help!)

SAD РSeasonal Affective Disorder 

Age twenty-nine

Feels like ninety-two

Tired and achy

Like I’ve got the flu

One step forward

Two steps back

With joints that ache

And bones that crack

With blurry eyes

And pounding head

“I want to sleep!”

“Sleep when you’re dead!”

It’s Okay to Admit You Need Help

Things have been a little quiet here on the blogging front. Not intentionally. This week I’ve been sick with a lovely head cold and I have some new things going on in my life and thought I would take some time to chat about it.

It’s not easy…admitting that you need help. Help comes in many different forms. Emotional…educational…physical.

You might have heard me mention it a time or two: depression and anxiety.

When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective disorder, which is basically depression that one gets based on the lack of sunlight in the winter months. It’s no fun when a chemical in your brain stops working properly and tells you not to be happy anymore.

I’ve…managed with that the last several years. But lately, it seems like the older I get the worse my anxiety is. I have always been a classified “worry-wort,” but there comes a time, where it’s not just worry. Where anxiety becomes something more than just double checking that your doors are locked after you locked them. Twice. And after you already check again for the third time.

The older I get, it seems like the more I don’t function properly. I’ve been debating back and forth why I don’t see myself as “normal” anymore. Why, I think that’s something I ought to be, and why normal isn’t really the same for anyone. What’s normal? And why is it something anyone wants to be, anyway?

But anyway, I digress. The point…I’ve started going to therapy.

Some people might think, so? I’ve gone to therapy, what’s the big deal? But this is a big deal for me. I’m not used to telling my life problems to people, and it’s not always easy admitting that you need help.

There’s no shame in admitting that you need help, and there’s no shame in getting that help. Depression and anxiety are not easy things, and it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

We all react to our life struggles in different ways, and we all have to find our own ways to encounter such challenges. I am not afraid to talk about my depression and anxiety, but I was afraid to get help. And I’m still afraid in some ways…do people look at me differently? Do I look different?

Does anyone judge me? But…I have to press on.

When I started this blog, I wanted to make sure it was a place that I could always come to, to make sure I was still writing. Now, I also want it to be a place where I can talk freely about my problems with depression and anxiety.

It’s something that needs to be talked about, and seeing as writers and creative sorts always seem to be the ones who struggle with depression and anxiety…we should all do a lot of talking about it.

Anyway, I hope you guys are having a great night, and I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Happy writing!

How Depression Really Feels

Once again, trying to channel those super-down feelings of depression. Sometimes it helps to just get it all out there. Very much gloom and doom, though, I’m sorry. But sometimes it helps to get it out and maybe it’ll help others to understand. Especially, when they haven’t gone through these emotions themselves.

window-view-1081788_1920Today is a bad day for me. I try really hard, but somehow, I am always less than what I should be. Feelings of worthlessness, tiredness, that whole Is-it-worth-it-to-get-out-of-bed type of attitude.

I wish it was easier to go on, I wish it was easier to snap out of it than it is…but it’s not. In truth, I feel like I’ve done it to myself…not doing things that I should, not being where I should, not being enough again.

If only others knew how it feels. How it feels to be completely worthless.

Let me crawl back into bed with no judgement. Wrap your arms around me to keep me from going to pieces. But don’t look at me and don’t judge me. I can’t bear the weight of your expectations.

Sometimes I need that little push, but sometimes it frightens or scares me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being thrust out into the cold with nothing to hold onto, and there is an icy floor beneath my feet.

Let me slip and slide if you want to, but how am I going to pull myself up?

How??

My light therapy doesn’t feel bright enough. Usually it blinds and stuns at first, but today, it’s as if I just turned on a regular lamp. There is not enough light in the world to snuff out this darkness.

And I feel as if I have buried my nose in the heart of it and it is weighing me down. Oh, so very much.

Let the rain come, and let the worms burrow in my ears and let everything bad that’s supposed to happen rest upon my shoulders. I’m sure there is a weight in the world, worthy of this. But why all this despair, when I’ve done nothing?

I’ve done nothing to deserve this. And I shouldn’t think I have.

The brain is a fickle friend sometimes. One minute, you’re convinced you are doing everything to live a healthy life, the next thing…she’s telling you: you are worthless scum.

Go away brain, and let my heart speak for once.

Poem: Can’t They See I’m Drowning?

girl-690327_1280Been trying to put my emotions to writing as a means of therapy…on those rough days if I get it out, it seems to help, if only for a bit. But anxiety/mental illness is not talked about enough in the work place, I don’t think.

I don’t think people understand how truly difficult it is sometimes to function. Even though it looks like it’s all okay on the outside, it doesn’t mean it is.

That’s why I love some of the artwork I’ve seen from people who have put mental illnesses into pictures; it’s truly amazing, and uplifting and maybe it will help people to understand better.

Can’t You See I’m Drowning

I don’t feel good enough

for the rain to touch my skin

I’m not worthy of the catharsis

of nature’s natural tears

I wonder what I look like on the outside

when the minutes crawl by like years

Unrest that spins like sickness

behind my eyes

I smile, I laugh, I tease

Why can’t they see the lies?

A blackness that crushes

a grey that claws

picks at your attention

pulls at your senses

clouds around your personal bubble

’till everything and everyone is in a fog

But I’ve got to smile

be courteous, communicative

and cooperative

I’ve got to be

energetic and organized

to be impossibly awesome

like no one has before

watch me drag my feet across the floor

Can’t they see I’m drowning?

Poem: To Dream

to sleep, perchance to dream

ah, there’s the problem

 

to dive into another reality

one we choose not to wake from

sometimes the dreams are more than dreams

sometimes they are nightmares

sometimes they are all we have

in moments of sorrow

 

But if we dream forever

if we cling to the almost

the maybes, the ever-after

we might not wake up

 

Reminder to Myself: I Have Nothing to Be Unhappy About

You may have heard me mention Seasonal Depression now and then. Well, it’s fast approaching winter, and that means less concentration for me, general tiredness and the start of the blues.

img_20161010_161640718.jpgBut I am constantly having to remind myself:

I really don’t have anything to genuinely be unhappy about. So, even though I may be feeling down, other than SAD being the reason, I HAVE NOTHING TO BE UNHAPPY ABOUT.

I have, 1. Friends and family that love me.

This is obvious. I get together with them occasionally. Like today, going to hang out with the girlies!

2. A boyfriend that loves me.

He actually seems kind of grumpy today, but I think that is because he has to work and I have the day off.

3. A job that I like and people who I like working with.

I really do enjoy working with the people I am with right now. Even though the job is only temporary, they have been so welcoming and it has truly been a good experience for me.

img_20161010_162027428.jpg4. I live in a great location.

Our new place is a mile a way from parks in any direction. We have access to great restaurants, book stores (which is a good thing for me) and a farmer’s market.

5. There is a lake a mile down the road.

We live near a lake. I love living near water. Although colder in the winter, I’m sure, there is something relaxing about hearing the water and seeing the waves rolling into the shoreline.

6. We have all our basic needs covered.

I have a place to live, food to eat and clothes…the last one which I bought more of this weekend. I may not have a lot of money. But we have enough to live healthily.

7. I have a car.

I have a vehicle to get where I need to be. And even though my car sometimes needs care all on its own, it is something for now and I am thankful for that.

8. I have my writing.

I have more time to write now that I am working lesser hours. And I use poetry to express my thoughts, especially when something is troubling me. This is a therapy all on its own.

And when I am writing…I truly feel like the self I am supposed to be. I felt lost those years I didn’t write very much.

9. I have my health.

Well, I am healthy in my own right. SAD and acid reflux not really life-threatening issues. Oh, but heartburn really is a pain in the ass, isn’t?

10. I have my sanity.

This one is up for debate some of the time…but mostly I like to maintain that I keep a somewhat decent head on these shoulders. I have my smarts, what limited common sense I’ve retained, and I have my creativeness.

I like to think that the last one is the most important. Because if I can’t create, if I can’t create something beautiful out of nothing…then what is the point of living at all? We all hope to find a little bit of life’s magic somewhere.

I think we should all strive to be our best creative self, don’t you?

What do you guys think?

Happy writing!

 

Poem: Bad Start

It’s difficult not to sleep all day

when the dreams are more lively

than the real world outside

 

How does one break out of the habit

of one’s own reality?

Can you make an exception?

For one’s accidental inception?

Or maybe that’s what I need

 

Come Leo, show me where the real world lies.

 

*** Lately, I’ve been using poetry to sort out my own emotions, my thoughts, what’s been going on that’s troubling me. Not only does it keep me writing almost everyday, but its been therapeutic.

You might also see me talking more and more about Seasonal Affective Disorder as the winter months draw ever closer. We all have our own personal cryptonite, I suppose. :/ Wish mine didn’t make me depressed half of the year.

 

 

Helping Others When You Can’t Help Yourself

girl-1064659_1920There’s something that’s been on my mind lately.

As you guys know, Mike and I have moved to a new area, and that means…new job for me. AGAIN.

My last job was great for me: sit in a room and type and don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. Boring, yes, but not taxing or stressful because I wasn’t forced to be interactive on days where I really didn’t want to.

People might shake their head and be like: what are you talking about? What’s so hard about talking to people?

But when you have social anxiety, there is everything wrong with talking to people. It is very difficult to help people when you can’t help yourself.

I don’t know how much I’ve stressed over and over to people who are close to me, and to others and I hope they will eventually get it.

Working in Customer Service where your job is to help people is sooo difficult when you can’t help yourself.

Inside, you feel like you can’t breathe, you are drowning. Your mind is telling you to do something, but you are also fighting with yourself. I can’t, I’ll do it wrong, I’m hopeless, I’m worthless, look at them staring…they know…they know…

On top of the anxiety, there’s the depression that comes a long with it. You feel like a loser. A simple job and you can’t do it. Everyone else is fine, no one is having troubles. There must be something wrong with me. I’m a nobody, I have no purpose, I feel so worthless…so worthless.

These are only a few of the thoughts that were running through my mind today when I was at my new job where I have to assist customers and I have to put on a smile, and I have to interact with people and pretend that I am okay when I’m not.

I even mentioned to my co-worker: “I’m a little anxious today, it makes me feel like extra slow and stuff.”

Didn’t really get much of a response. But where’s the time really to go into the full length explanation, and who knows really what to say to all that anyway?

I think I’ll be looking into seeing a specialist soon as therapists know the right responses to these feelings…or at least you hope they do, but something else has been bothering me:

Why aren’t more people aware of how debilitating anxiety and depression are in the work place?

I know it has effected me and my career…or lack thereof one.

Why aren’t we talking about it? Why aren’t more people aware how difficult it is to put on a brave face, when inside you feel like you are drowning?

WHY DON’T WE TALK MORE ABOUT THIS?

Anyway, I just wanted to throw that out there. Those of us that struggle with this are heroes when you have to bear this burden in silence, and we really shouldn’t have to be.

It is a real thing, and more people should be understanding out there…work place included.

Ah, I feel better now. Anyway, what are you guys doing tonight? Anything thoughts on this?