Reading Anything Good Lately?

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I always know it’s time to clean my bedroom, when the books start piling up next to the bed. And they do, regularly. Case in point: the picture above. (Apparently the book store clerk thought it was a crime that I haven’t read The Phantom Tollbooth yet. I know!)

But it got me thinking tonight, how much I love books. And I do read a lot.

Because every new book is new inspiration. Terry Prachett and Stephen Baxter’s book, The Long Earth, had me thinking about parallel universes today, and how cool it would be to write a book about a different earth in a different part of the universe.

Kristin Cashore’s, Graceling, reminds me that dialogue is fun. The banter between characters is supposed to be full of tension and then yet equally entertaining but with an end game in mind.

And this new book that I started reading last month, by Genevieve Cogman, The Invisible Library, reminds me that many, many people share a love for books and it is something that connects us in more ways than others. Sharing a good book with someone else is like sharing a gift sometimes. If that book brings joy, well then, yeah, it was definitely worth it.

Anyway, What are you reading? Anything good?! Got any recommendations?

Hope everyone is having a great night!

Happy Valentine’s Day! Now, Go Love Somebody!

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I couldn’t seem to think of what to write tonight. I thought about sharing a poem that I wrote back in the college days…but nothing seems to fit the Valentine’s day/love theme that I am trying for.

It’s so weird to look back sometimes and see how different my writing was then. Back in the college days when I was writing for creative writing classes…when I was nineteen and twenty. It’s neither good or bad, just different. I wrote with a freedom then that I don’t seem to have now. I wasn’t embarrassed by my childish notions.

Life and adult-hood was so new to me, and I relished more in the freedom to create, in having a voice and the words to say. But I digress, really. No time to go down that rabbit hole…

Today is Valentine’s day and if you haven’t already, go tell your loved ones that you love them! Mike, the other half, took me out for a nice dinner and we ended the night quietly eating ice cream and both of us working on each of our projects. Me, revamping a resume that sorely needed doing, and him playing WOW, (which I’m sure if I wasn’t busy doing other things, I might be whining that he’s not paying attention to me, but whatever.) He certainly looks cute over there, sitting in his computer chair…(sigh.)

Make tonight your oyster. Be content with what you have, and if you don’t have it…go out and find it. One of the best Valentine’s nights I ever had wasn’t with a significant other. It was with my mother, my sister and my baby niece, Lilly. Us four ladies made dinner together, and watched Brave that night, and were content to be loved by sisters and mothers and babies and it was a night of togetherness that I’ll never forget.

So it doesn’t matter who you love, go out and love them.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! And Happy Writing!

Fear of Failure: The Struggle is Real Tonight

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God, I need to get motivated! Having a hard time tonight. Everything I was supposed to do, didn’t happen. All I did was eat food, watch TV, and accidentally fell asleep at like 7 o’clock and slept like an hour.

But when it comes to certain things, I am starting to realize that the fear of failure is holding me back. Every time that I tell myself all those wasted hours watching TV I could be writing, ends with me usually watching three of four more episodes of said TV show and then feeling guilty.

The same goes with applying for jobs. Temp jobs don’t last forever you know, they ARE temporary, but I see a job posting and think: what’s the point? Everyone is always more qualified, more well-spoken, always better than me.

A lot of this boils down to self-confidence too, hmm…

Anyway, I always seem to feel myself resurfacing to the What’s the point? I’ll just fail anyway.

My boyfriend’s favorite saying to me seems to be: You don’t know unless you try.

But lately, I feel like the past few years have been me trying and trying and nothing comes of it. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of what happens when nothing comes of hopes and dreams…

How stupid, I know.

I can’t seem to shake this feeling though, tonight. And this feeling has me having trouble starting something, too. I’ll stare at my revamped resume and be like: do I really look like I’m a quality specimen? The person they’re ultimately looking for?

I certainly don’t feel like one sometimes. (Sigh.)

Same goes with writing, too. I’ll stare at the page and I feel like my characters stare unflinchingly back at me. In some sort of eternal pause, waiting for me to direct them across the page, but their stories are at a standstill…so they stare at me, and they judge me.

I decided early on that I wanted to be a writer. But that doesn’t mean that writers automatically know how to write a novel. This is difficult stuff, really.

I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but…sigh.

What do you guys do when fear gets you down? Do you struggle with some of the same fears I do?

Poem: Live, Live

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periods of inspiration

filter through my day

in the shower

while driving

(usually on the highway)

no pen or paper

texts in my phone

fifteen emails a day

But then there are moments

where inspiration

is like the stale

breath on your lips

something about it

reeks of everydayness

of something generalized

like every other boring sap

who stinks of garbage mouth

you brush and you scrub

and you try to feel like new again

with the shiny pieces

sparkling through with imagination

like childhood

Very few I think

forget as an adult

that childhood imagination

shouldn’t be shunned

but cherished

like a feeling of new-age revival

Bring out the broken pieces

repair them with relish

remember that you don’t

work to die

you make money

to live, and live and live

to be care free

and use time wisely

How Depression Really Feels

Once again, trying to channel those super-down feelings of depression. Sometimes it helps to just get it all out there. Very much gloom and doom, though, I’m sorry. But sometimes it helps to get it out and maybe it’ll help others to understand. Especially, when they haven’t gone through these emotions themselves.

window-view-1081788_1920Today is a bad day for me. I try really hard, but somehow, I am always less than what I should be. Feelings of worthlessness, tiredness, that whole Is-it-worth-it-to-get-out-of-bed type of attitude.

I wish it was easier to go on, I wish it was easier to snap out of it than it is…but it’s not. In truth, I feel like I’ve done it to myself…not doing things that I should, not being where I should, not being enough again.

If only others knew how it feels. How it feels to be completely worthless.

Let me crawl back into bed with no judgement. Wrap your arms around me to keep me from going to pieces. But don’t look at me and don’t judge me. I can’t bear the weight of your expectations.

Sometimes I need that little push, but sometimes it frightens or scares me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being thrust out into the cold with nothing to hold onto, and there is an icy floor beneath my feet.

Let me slip and slide if you want to, but how am I going to pull myself up?

How??

My light therapy doesn’t feel bright enough. Usually it blinds and stuns at first, but today, it’s as if I just turned on a regular lamp. There is not enough light in the world to snuff out this darkness.

And I feel as if I have buried my nose in the heart of it and it is weighing me down. Oh, so very much.

Let the rain come, and let the worms burrow in my ears and let everything bad that’s supposed to happen rest upon my shoulders. I’m sure there is a weight in the world, worthy of this. But why all this despair, when I’ve done nothing?

I’ve done nothing to deserve this. And I shouldn’t think I have.

The brain is a fickle friend sometimes. One minute, you’re convinced you are doing everything to live a healthy life, the next thing…she’s telling you: you are worthless scum.

Go away brain, and let my heart speak for once.

Poem: One Against Millions 

To be different

to love God

but never enough

to like blue

and not pink

to not think

how others think

to be a speck

on the horizon

a grain amongst many

lost in the sand

you lonely,  shiny penny

 
To be picked up by mountains

giants among men

Who stand tall in crowds

’till we wrapped them

in shrouds

Well, I guess that’s it then

 
But to be one

against millions

You stand alone

in the crowd

But we’re loud

and we’re proud

and we are one

against millions

Poem: Can’t They See I’m Drowning?

girl-690327_1280Been trying to put my emotions to writing as a means of therapy…on those rough days if I get it out, it seems to help, if only for a bit. But anxiety/mental illness is not talked about enough in the work place, I don’t think.

I don’t think people understand how truly difficult it is sometimes to function. Even though it looks like it’s all okay on the outside, it doesn’t mean it is.

That’s why I love some of the artwork I’ve seen from people who have put mental illnesses into pictures; it’s truly amazing, and uplifting and maybe it will help people to understand better.

Can’t You See I’m Drowning

I don’t feel good enough

for the rain to touch my skin

I’m not worthy of the catharsis

of nature’s natural tears

I wonder what I look like on the outside

when the minutes crawl by like years

Unrest that spins like sickness

behind my eyes

I smile, I laugh, I tease

Why can’t they see the lies?

A blackness that crushes

a grey that claws

picks at your attention

pulls at your senses

clouds around your personal bubble

’till everything and everyone is in a fog

But I’ve got to smile

be courteous, communicative

and cooperative

I’ve got to be

energetic and organized

to be impossibly awesome

like no one has before

watch me drag my feet across the floor

Can’t they see I’m drowning?