This one was back from the college days. Thought about it today for some reason.
The cancer was naked on her skin
She looked at the stars
“Would you love me if I was bald?”
I always know it’s time to clean my bedroom, when the books start piling up next to the bed. And they do, regularly. Case in point: the picture above. (Apparently the book store clerk thought it was a crime that I haven’t read The Phantom Tollbooth yet. I know!)
But it got me thinking tonight, how much I love books. And I do read a lot.
Because every new book is new inspiration. Terry Prachett and Stephen Baxter’s book, The Long Earth, had me thinking about parallel universes today, and how cool it would be to write a book about a different earth in a different part of the universe.
Kristin Cashore’s, Graceling, reminds me that dialogue is fun. The banter between characters is supposed to be full of tension and then yet equally entertaining but with an end game in mind.
And this new book that I started reading last month, by Genevieve Cogman, The Invisible Library, reminds me that many, many people share a love for books and it is something that connects us in more ways than others. Sharing a good book with someone else is like sharing a gift sometimes. If that book brings joy, well then, yeah, it was definitely worth it.
Anyway, What are you reading? Anything good?! Got any recommendations?
Hope everyone is having a great night!
I couldn’t seem to think of what to write tonight. I thought about sharing a poem that I wrote back in the college days…but nothing seems to fit the Valentine’s day/love theme that I am trying for.
It’s so weird to look back sometimes and see how different my writing was then. Back in the college days when I was writing for creative writing classes…when I was nineteen and twenty. It’s neither good or bad, just different. I wrote with a freedom then that I don’t seem to have now. I wasn’t embarrassed by my childish notions.
Life and adult-hood was so new to me, and I relished more in the freedom to create, in having a voice and the words to say. But I digress, really. No time to go down that rabbit hole…
Today is Valentine’s day and if you haven’t already, go tell your loved ones that you love them! Mike, the other half, took me out for a nice dinner and we ended the night quietly eating ice cream and both of us working on each of our projects. Me, revamping a resume that sorely needed doing, and him playing WOW, (which I’m sure if I wasn’t busy doing other things, I might be whining that he’s not paying attention to me, but whatever.) He certainly looks cute over there, sitting in his computer chair…(sigh.)
Make tonight your oyster. Be content with what you have, and if you don’t have it…go out and find it. One of the best Valentine’s nights I ever had wasn’t with a significant other. It was with my mother, my sister and my baby niece, Lilly. Us four ladies made dinner together, and watched Brave that night, and were content to be loved by sisters and mothers and babies and it was a night of togetherness that I’ll never forget.
So it doesn’t matter who you love, go out and love them.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! And Happy Writing!
God, I need to get motivated! Having a hard time tonight. Everything I was supposed to do, didn’t happen. All I did was eat food, watch TV, and accidentally fell asleep at like 7 o’clock and slept like an hour.
But when it comes to certain things, I am starting to realize that the fear of failure is holding me back. Every time that I tell myself all those wasted hours watching TV I could be writing, ends with me usually watching three of four more episodes of said TV show and then feeling guilty.
The same goes with applying for jobs. Temp jobs don’t last forever you know, they ARE temporary, but I see a job posting and think: what’s the point? Everyone is always more qualified, more well-spoken, always better than me.
A lot of this boils down to self-confidence too, hmm…
Anyway, I always seem to feel myself resurfacing to the What’s the point? I’ll just fail anyway.
My boyfriend’s favorite saying to me seems to be: You don’t know unless you try.
But lately, I feel like the past few years have been me trying and trying and nothing comes of it. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of what happens when nothing comes of hopes and dreams…
How stupid, I know.
I can’t seem to shake this feeling though, tonight. And this feeling has me having trouble starting something, too. I’ll stare at my revamped resume and be like: do I really look like I’m a quality specimen? The person they’re ultimately looking for?
I certainly don’t feel like one sometimes. (Sigh.)
Same goes with writing, too. I’ll stare at the page and I feel like my characters stare unflinchingly back at me. In some sort of eternal pause, waiting for me to direct them across the page, but their stories are at a standstill…so they stare at me, and they judge me.
I decided early on that I wanted to be a writer. But that doesn’t mean that writers automatically know how to write a novel. This is difficult stuff, really.
I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but…sigh.
What do you guys do when fear gets you down? Do you struggle with some of the same fears I do?
periods of inspiration
filter through my day
in the shower
(usually on the highway)
no pen or paper
texts in my phone
fifteen emails a day
But then there are moments
is like the stale
breath on your lips
something about it
reeks of everydayness
of something generalized
like every other boring sap
who stinks of garbage mouth
you brush and you scrub
and you try to feel like new again
with the shiny pieces
sparkling through with imagination
Very few I think
forget as an adult
that childhood imagination
shouldn’t be shunned
like a feeling of new-age revival
Bring out the broken pieces
repair them with relish
remember that you don’t
work to die
you make money
to live, and live and live
to be care free
and use time wisely
Once again, trying to channel those super-down feelings of depression. Sometimes it helps to just get it all out there. Very much gloom and doom, though, I’m sorry. But sometimes it helps to get it out and maybe it’ll help others to understand. Especially, when they haven’t gone through these emotions themselves.
I wish it was easier to go on, I wish it was easier to snap out of it than it is…but it’s not. In truth, I feel like I’ve done it to myself…not doing things that I should, not being where I should, not being enough again.
If only others knew how it feels. How it feels to be completely worthless.
Let me crawl back into bed with no judgement. Wrap your arms around me to keep me from going to pieces. But don’t look at me and don’t judge me. I can’t bear the weight of your expectations.
Sometimes I need that little push, but sometimes it frightens or scares me. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being thrust out into the cold with nothing to hold onto, and there is an icy floor beneath my feet.
Let me slip and slide if you want to, but how am I going to pull myself up?
My light therapy doesn’t feel bright enough. Usually it blinds and stuns at first, but today, it’s as if I just turned on a regular lamp. There is not enough light in the world to snuff out this darkness.
And I feel as if I have buried my nose in the heart of it and it is weighing me down. Oh, so very much.
Let the rain come, and let the worms burrow in my ears and let everything bad that’s supposed to happen rest upon my shoulders. I’m sure there is a weight in the world, worthy of this. But why all this despair, when I’ve done nothing?
I’ve done nothing to deserve this. And I shouldn’t think I have.
The brain is a fickle friend sometimes. One minute, you’re convinced you are doing everything to live a healthy life, the next thing…she’s telling you: you are worthless scum.
Go away brain, and let my heart speak for once.
To be different
to love God
but never enough
to like blue
and not pink
to not think
how others think
to be a speck
on the horizon
a grain amongst many
lost in the sand
you lonely, shiny penny
To be picked up by mountains
giants among men
Who stand tall in crowds
’till we wrapped them
Well, I guess that’s it then
But to be one
You stand alone
in the crowd
But we’re loud
and we’re proud
and we are one
Been trying to put my emotions to writing as a means of therapy…on those rough days if I get it out, it seems to help, if only for a bit. But anxiety/mental illness is not talked about enough in the work place, I don’t think.
I don’t think people understand how truly difficult it is sometimes to function. Even though it looks like it’s all okay on the outside, it doesn’t mean it is.
That’s why I love some of the artwork I’ve seen from people who have put mental illnesses into pictures; it’s truly amazing, and uplifting and maybe it will help people to understand better.
Can’t You See I’m Drowning
I don’t feel good enough
for the rain to touch my skin
I’m not worthy of the catharsis
of nature’s natural tears
I wonder what I look like on the outside
when the minutes crawl by like years
Unrest that spins like sickness
behind my eyes
I smile, I laugh, I tease
Why can’t they see the lies?
A blackness that crushes
a grey that claws
picks at your attention
pulls at your senses
clouds around your personal bubble
’till everything and everyone is in a fog
But I’ve got to smile
be courteous, communicative
I’ve got to be
energetic and organized
to be impossibly awesome
like no one has before
watch me drag my feet across the floor
Can’t they see I’m drowning?